Outhouse Rocker!?

Fig. 1: Thirty-five dollars worth of good will inside a polyhedron

I ventured into a Goodwill in Asheville a few weeks ago, in search of pots and pans and work jeans.  Yeah, it's like that - no shame.  A very nice fellow customer pointed me around to the back, where he said I could find pots and pans even cheaper.  Sounds shady, right?  Well it is not.  Turns out this particular Goodwill has a spectacular bulk wing where you purchase items by the pound!

Here's my haul:
*the shallowest frying pan I've ever seen
*2 qt sauce pan
*venting pot lid (without matching pot)
*nifty wooden cutting board by Crestwood - not moldy, score!
*spatula with lathed wooden handle
*five foot length of metal tube with threaded endcap both ends
*two foot by eight foot light beige carpet remnant for feet wipe and shoe storage
*purple folding clip-on motorcycle passenger seat (perfect for table sans legs)
*two VHS tapes for the kids: "The Steam Locomotive" ca. 1940 & the beyond silly "Wee Sing in Sillyville"  (passed on Braveheart as I don't own VCR or TV)
*computer speakers
*stereo & unmatched speakers, i.e. top of the line GPX stereo w/ speakers by peerless brand Venturer
*rocking chair customized for use in the OUTHOUSE!!!***
*neato zipper sunglass case perfect for protecting work glasses
*three pairs work jeans that fit
*pimpalicious brown leather jacket that fits
*plastic Darth Vader helmet
Fig. 2: Darth Shaft wuz here

*** Okay, the rocking chair is probably not custom designed for use in the outhouse, but that tiny seed of possibility is positively thrilling!  What we have is, I believe, a vintage factory-milled hand-assembled rocking chair, likely 60s, maybe early 70s or unlikely late 50s, quite sturdy and well-made.  Factory markings or pasted slips are absent.  The fresh wood you see from the top view is crudely screwed on from the bottom, clearly not original and fueling my desire that this is actually a rocking plopper.  However, it did come with a medallion of pressed paperboard, visible under the Vader Helm in Fig. 2, suggesting a missing insert panel.

I will remove the tacked on plywood scab and get to the bottom of this . . .
                  ] rimshot [
. . . seriously, I will conduct some carpentry forensics to see how an insert panel may have been attached originally.  If anyone has run across a perfect specimen please comment your findings below.
] j [

ps - no offense to any actual pimps out there, or to anyone who has been pimped or otherwise adversely affected by a pimp.  Please allow that 'pimp' is a new bastardized verb and adjective creeping into our silly language.  Expect it in Webster's by 2020, courtesy of MTV.


  1. This kind of plumbing makes potty training so fun and exciting. :)

  2. Haha Jeremiah your writing is so funny and refreshing.

  3. Maggie, believe it or not, if you google rocking potty you will find a lot of potty rocking chairs! I guess they have a basin under the seat to catch everything, so not nearly as exciting, heheh.

    Thank you John. I always do my best to keep it fun and fresh. I try to write like life.

    1. I meant to say if you google that phrase you find kid-sized training-potty rockers.